What's it Worth?

Caleb Orion

2009-07-23T22:31:00.006-04:00

Well, at my last post, I was impatiently awaiting the arrival of my little boy. Man, I need to be careful what I wish for, or more specific in my prayers--because I paid in getting him here. I've not written about it yet partly because we've been up to our ears in dirty diapers, every 3 hour feedings, nighttime madness, and parenting follies. The other part is that I don't know how much justice I can do in putting it all into words, but I guess I'll try my best.

So, on July 13th, I had a regularly scheduled OB appointment--my 40 week appointment. I figured we'd go in, say "Ok, well...when do you want this baby?!?" and then go home, get our bags, and be on our way to a planned induction for whatever day we chose. WRONG! I got there and my blood pressure was 160/100 (!) and my urine had 3+ protein in it (read--badness, even in the setting of how concentrated my urine was). So, I was pretty much diagnosed with preeclampsia. Really, I wasn't too surprised. I'd ballooned in the last few weeks, my blood pressure had gone from the usual 110s/60-70s to 130-140/80s in the last 2 appointments. The doctor sent us over to labor and delivery straight from the office. She said she would try to spare me the aweful magnesium drip usually prescribed for women with preeclampsia--I was thankful.

We went to L&D (we hadn't brought any of our baby-bags to the appointment--I sent Ryan later to get them). They started pitocin to cause contractions and we were on our way. The contractions started coming every 1-2 minutes but they weren't lasting long and weren't too strong. We went from 11 am-6 pm like that, me having moderate pain that was like strong period cramps, but I was holding my own without any pain medicine. My blood pressure stayed up, so they started the magnesium--but they started it slowly, and I really didn't have the bad effects of it.

At 6 pm, my doctor came in and we decided to break my water. I've seen this done, and I was in complete agreement with that decision, because I still wasn't in a great labor pattern. The breaking of the water wasn't very comfortable, but I knew it wouldn't last long. The doctor and I chatted while we were waiting for all of the amniotic fluid to come out.

And then....all hell broke loose (pardon the expression). I hadn't been paying attention to the heart rate monitor for the baby, but his heart beat went down to the 80s. When the nurse asked me to get on my side, and started getting the oxygen mask out, I knew what was about to happen. I didn't panic, I think I was in too much disbelief. The doctor told the nurse to turn of the pitocin. They had me lie on my other side. They called for terbutaline (to stop contractions). I told Ryan to go into the hall and tell my parents to go to the waiting room. Then they had me get on my hands and knees, butt up in the air in an attempt to relieve what was causing the baby distress. I saw the train wreck coming. Ryan didn't know we were going to have an emergent C-Section until the nurse called somebody else and told them we needed an OR "NOW!" So, they wheeled me down the hall, butt up in the air, to the OR.

We got back to the OR and they took off my home-made birthing clothes (yes, I actually thought I'd get to use them--I'd jinxed myself from the beginning...) and put the monitors over my belly. Heart rate still low. I didn't have any anesthesia up to this point, so they had to quickly do a spinal. They'd discussed putting me to sleep versus doing the spinal, I was telling them the whole time --"I don't care! Just do what you need to do!" In retrospect, I'm thankful that they were able to do the spinal, so I was able to hear the first cries of my precious baby boy. I was calm until they put the sheet up while getting me prepped. After the sheet went up, I started freaking out because it felt like forever since they'd checked the baby's heart rate, and I just wanted them to start the C-Section. They brought Ryan into the room at about the time I was crying, and I was blessed to have him there.

"Feeling" the C-Section was so weird. I was waiting to hear the words that would give me some relief- "uterine," meaning they'd cut into my uterus--usually they get the baby out quickly after this. I could tell they'd gotten him out by the relief of pressure off of my abdomen--it felt SOOO GOOD to have him out of my belly! He didn't cry immediately and they took him back to the warmer to be assessed. I finally heard his gruff, hoarse, low cry and I was just so happy to know at least he could do that. Turns out his APGARS were 4 and 8, and he wasn't breathing at first--he needed CPAP for about a minute to get him going.

It wasn't long before Ryan was able to hold him and bring him back to me to see his little face. I thought he looked pale...but beautiful. It was so surreal and strange to finally see the life that had been growing inside me.

I'm so thankful that I didn't have my water break at home. Caleb's umbilical cord was wrapped from one shoulder across his belly to the opposite hip. I really don't see how that would have fixed itself, or how he would have been successful in navigating the birth canal without impinging on the cord. I fully believe that God's hand was at work through the whole thing-- the pre-eclampsia leading to induction, the induction needing to be augmented by the doctor breaking my water, and the doctor standing right there when his heart rate went down. I'm sure some would say "Well, if you'd done things naturally without all this intervention, then it wouldn't have happened." But I'd like for them to tell me how an umbilical cord at 40 weeks can just magically unwrap from around a baby's body. Praise God.

I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him. --1 Samuel 1:27

Impatient!

2009-07-08T11:19:00.002-04:00

My due date is less than a week away...and I want this little boy to come out! I swore I wouldn't complain at all during this pregnancy, but I really really need to, now! My feet are so swollen, I have carpal tunnel, I'm waking up pretty much every 1-2 hours to pee, I waddle, and I'm huge! I'm ready to get my prize now!

We've tried a couple of things to get this to move along...membrane stripping and something I'm not going to divulge on the internet. My mother and my mother-in-law keep saying "Go walk, go walk!" Um, hello, I swear, by the end of the day, I have edema into my thighs, so, no thanks! Last night was even a full moon, so I thought the moon's gravitational pull might do the trick- NOPE! I was hoping maybe for him to be born today, so that his birthday would be 07-08-09 (that would be a cool birthdate!) But I'm not holding my breath.

My due date is actually the 13th...I have an appointment that day, I'm thinking maybe we'll discuss the "I" word (induction)--hopefully. If that's true, then maybe we can try for a delivery on 7-15, which will be our 3rd wedding anniversary...wouldn't that be a great anniversary present?

Missing the Boat

2009-07-02T11:31:00.003-04:00

So, I've not talked much about my plans for having my baby and residency on here, but I think that I have referenced it some. Normally, residency starts for everybody July 1. Since my little guy is due July 13th, I'm going to be starting October 1. Before we had to enter our "Rank Order List" for residency--this is where you put in the places you want to go in order--I called my #1 choice and told them about being pregnant and asked if I could start October 1. They were very accepting and willing to work with me, further confirming that it was the residency for me.

Our residency had orientation though, from June 8-June 30th, which was a little anxiety-provoking for me, because they wanted me to be up there to finish orientation which consisted of multiple certifications in medical stuff and lots of sitting around. I was worried because the new city is around 4 hours away from my current city...so if I'd have gone into labor there, panic would have ensued. Thank God though, I did not. So anyhow, we've been back and forth from residency city to our city, and are finally in our city awaiting the birth of the baby boy.

Yesterday was July 1 though. And up until yesterday, I felt included, like I was doing the "new intern" stuff. But, I sat at home yesterday. While all of my friends started seeing patients for the first time as doctors, REAL DOCTORS. No more of the, "HI, I'm so and so, a medical student working with Dr. _______" They got to say, "HI, I'm Dr. _________ . I'll be taking care of you while you're with us."

I must admit, I feel as though I have missed the boat. Don't get me wrong, I'm so happy to have the luxury of taking time off and the blessing of having a baby soon (and a bit scared to death too)...but I just know it's not going to be the same starting October 1st. The nurses and other doctors won't necessarily know that I'm the same as a July 1 intern, my fellow interns will probably be settled in and comfortable with much of the day-to-day operations of the hospital and clinic, and then there will be me...new doctor, new mom, terrified person.

Doggie Disappointment

2009-05-19T19:54:00.004-04:00

This past weekend, we tried to take our dogs to one of the less busy dog parks in our city. We've found this one works out pretty well for us-- fewer dogs means a better experience overall for everybody, I think. This really stems from one of my dogs' social ineptitude when it comes to greeting other dogs. He's too gung-ho. He wants to great everybody, get right in their faces, and sometimes give them a nice sniff on the butt, or a hump or two. Usually, it's the getting right in another dog's face that doesn't go over too well (and occasionally the un-welcomed humping). Now, I'm no dog body language expert, but when he runs up to another dog and "gets all up in their grill," I really don't think he's being aggressive...just overly excited. Some dogs don't appreciate this excitement and I think they do see it as an attack. Here comes a ~70 pound Australian Shepherd at full speed... I don't blame them for getting a bit up-tight.

Anyhow, this little problem is what led us to going to the less busy doggie park. But this weekend, things didn't work so well. As soon as we got in the park, he ran up to a dog that was either an Irish Setter or a Golden Retriever (it was more red than gold) and it growled, bared teeth and moved away. The owner took notice, but then Jax kinda ran on to pee on something. Round 2 wasn't as good. He decided he wanted to get to know the stranger a bit better and ran after him/her. The dog eventually turned and went off. Prior to this, Jax was not growling or showing teeth, or anything. But when that dog responded as it did, he was on the defensive as well. When he started in with the dog, our other dog, Apollo, a Husky, started in to help protect his brother. The other dog's owner starts yelling at the top of her lungs "STOP IT STOP IT!" and using her little ball thrower to try to separate them. Ryan went in and just grabbed our two, as the second owner of the other dog was yelling "Whose dogs are these?!?" Ryan was right there...we don't leave our dogs unsupervised at the park. The woman ended up yelling, "We're leaving! We're just going to leave!" Thankfully, none of the dogs were hurt--it really didn't get to that point.

Ryan ended up putting our two on a leash and we walked around the park... I wanted to just leave, because I feel if you have to keep your dogs on a leash at the free-reign park, you shouldn't be there in the first place. I feel like such a failure when my boys behave badly at the park...but I get defensive of them as well. I don't like for people to think they are bad or aggressive dogs, or that they are starting fights. They're not the kinds of dogs that start fights...they want to have fun and run around and meet the other dogs. I've decided it just depends upon the chemistry with the other dog that will determine how things go at the park. I know I'm rationalizing, but if another dog can't handle my dog's overt friendliness...don't both dogs have problems? I feel like I've failed my dogs and am a bad dog owner when things happen--but how do you keep a social butterfly from being so social? I wouldn't know how to correct this behavior if I tried. And then there's the problem of him actually learning that other dogs don't like it when you get in their faces... I really doubt that you can hurt this dog...and if you can, he still won't connect the "I'm hurting" feeling with "Oh, maybe I shouldn't do that again" thing...especially in the social setting of the dog park.

The Type of Worship I Prefer

2009-05-12T19:26:00.003-04:00

"The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.' " --Matthew 25:40

Let me say that I'm not writing this to "toot my own horn"--rather, I am writing as a more of a charge to some of the people at my church who disappointed me greatly this weekend, and to show an example of one of the few times where I've actually felt as if I'm doing something for God's glory. This Sunday, I felt as if I were truly worshipping the way that God would have me worship.

As my husband and I were walking into a side entrance (not the main one) of the church building, we saw a homeless man sitting in the windowsill of our building. He had his shoes off, his feet were resting on the ground, his head down, and the open, weeping sores on his grimy feet were glistening in the sun. I commented to Ryan about his feet and how horrible they looked--Ryan didn't have much to say. We weren't the only people who walked through those doors that morning, but I wonder if I was the only one to notice.

It angers me to think back on it. God clearly expects us to take care of people just like this man--so I was wondering, why was nobody reaching out to help him? I know some people didn't see him because they used different entrances into the church, fine...but what went through the heads of those who walked by?

Were they condemning, thinking "That guy's probably a homeless drunk--look at him here waiting for a handout! He's making our church look bad-maybe we should call the police to run him off."
Were they more worried about themselves, considering "Oh, well, I guess I could help him, but I might get my clothes or the church dirty if I brought him inside."
Maybe they were sympathetic, wishing "If I only knew what to do for him, I would do something...but I don't think I have the skills. Poor guy..."

I don't know which of the above applied, but honestly, I think that had a dog or cat been sitting outside in such shape, somebody would have given it attention immediately. I don't know what it is about people that we are less forgiving and less willing to help out. Perhaps it's that we think that people have done something to deserve what they get, or that they can help themselves out of situations. And I'll admit... I'm guilty of these thoughts many times.

Regardless, this man needed help, and I couldn't very well go and claim to worship God while this man was sitting outside suffering. Some people believe that Jesus or angels present themselves as people in trouble needing help...I don't know if I believe in all of that, but I certainly knew that God was watching me and honestly, I think He was testing me. I went inside, sat my things down, and went to the First Aid room we have (yep, we have one!) to see what supplies were available. I felt we had enough to be able to bandage the man up, so I went outside in tears and introduced myself and offered to clean his feet for him. By this point, I was trying to not bawl-- my pregnancy hormones + frustration + compassion for this man were coming out of my tear ducts.

He said he just needed some socks because his shoes had been rubbing places on his feet, but he would be ok with getting them bandaged up. I brought him into the church, sat him down, and talked to him for a bit. His name was Roger, he was originally from Mt. Sterling, but had been put in a psychiatric hospital in town for 2 months and then I guess just discharged to the streets...he had been in our city since December, and he'd never been homeless before. He said he used to have some good Red Wing boots that didn't bother his feet, but that somebody took them, and he was left with cheap shoes and no socks.

I soon did get some help from other people at the church--one guy was a paramedic, he got me some soapy water and towels. One lady who is a nurse helped bandage his feet with me...and one of the assistant ministers went and got him a few things that would be helpful on the streets, including some other shoes, some gift cards to fast food places, and some socks. And then there were the few who poked their heads in, kinda said hello, and disappeared into the not so dirty, stinky, unpleasant, and real areas of the church--back to greeting those in suits and dresses I guess.

As we left church that day, I saw Roger back out on the sidewalk--he had said he figured he'd sit out there for a while--he didn't know what he was going to do that day. As it rained that evening, I thought of him, hoping he'd found at least a small patch to stay dry in.

Lessson Learned--God gives us opportunities to show our love for Him all the time, we just have to look around us and accept those opportunities. He might even want us to be uncomfortable or get dirty every now and then.

What it's Worth--Knowing that what I did wasn't just for that man, or for me...it was for Jesus.

Feeling it.

2009-04-29T20:53:00.003-04:00

Dear goodness...I feel like a fat cow. I've got 11 weeks left (hopefully!)...or I guess 9 or 10 would be ok with me, ha ha. I just feel huge. My belly that is. I've not gained too much weight this pregnancy-- I'm on track to gain about 30 pounds total, which is normal.

I swear though, I think this child is huge! I've not gained much weight through my body, it's all in my belly. I feel like one of those yucky dog ticks that seems like it will burst as soon as you touch it! My skin seems it's as tight as it will go, and at any second, it might rip down the sides if I touch my belly because the tension is so great.

What am I going to do? I've got alot of time left in this pregnancy! Yikes!

Unexpected Vacation

2009-04-24T08:28:00.002-04:00

Ugh. I've been off of school since Tuesday, and I'm not happy about it. This is my last rotation ever as a medical student and I'm working as an "Acting Intern" on Labor and Delivery, how apropos.

I've sworn this child might kill me before he is born, and he might also kill my medical career too. On Monday I had some (well, ummm not totally unprovoked) bleeding and immediately went to my hospital, where they found I was having contractions every 3-5 minutes. Joy. They gave me medicine to stop the contractions and sent me home, to have follow up the next day at my doctor's office.

They monitored me there for a bit, and I was having contractions still, but it didn't really seem like I was in labor because my cervix had not changed. Again, they gave me medicines to stop contractions. Right before they were going to take me off of the monitors and send me home...the baby's heart rate dropped to the 90s a couple of times and stayed there for about a minute (his heart rate is supposed to be 120-160). So, back to the hospital I went for monitoring. Again, a few contractions, and while there, the baby looked fine, so back home I went.

Wednesday, I stayed home all day on "bed rest." My mom came up and waited on me hand and foot, bless her. I had quite a few contractions that day. Thursday home again because they didn't want me to go back to school without being seen at the doctor's office first-- fewer contractions, and I saw my doctor that day. She did a test that can predict the likelihood of labor, and now I'm waiting on those results to figure out what we're going to do about school.

I hate all of this waiting, I feel terrible that I'm not there....I know and understand that the condition of my baby and my pregnancy are of utmost concern, but I feel like such a slacker. I think the people I have been working with are a sympathetic group, and I've been keeping them updated....but ugh, this is killing me. I hate this sitting at home when I know I'm supposed to be somewhere else. And I'm bored. So bored.....

Medical School=Doctor, Doofus!

2009-04-20T21:39:00.002-04:00

I just need to vent about something that irks me to no end. This has happened to me multiple times before, but I just can't stand it anymore! Today, I went to have some labs drawn, by I guess, a CNA or CMA or certified (oh wait, they don't need to be certified in KY!) phlebotomist at the hospital. I was wearing my scrubs, because I'm working Labor and Delivery now. The lady asks me, "So, do you work here?" I go, "No- I'm a medical student at (local university)."

Her reply? Her REPLY?

"Oh, so are you going to be an RN or what?"

GRRRRRRRRRR GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR I could have just come up with the most scathing reply possible, but I didn't...I kindly tried to explain that no, I was going to be a doctor, and that I had spent 4 years doing this work (I didn't even try to explain that I already had one degree that was probably higher than hers) to be a doctor and have another 3 of residency to go. I don't think she was impressed or really cared. I'm sure she'll ask the next person who comes in and says "medical school" the same thing, sheesh.

As I was telling my husband about this tonight, he informed me that multiple people have asked him if I was going to be an RN or PA or some other allied health professional whatever (no disrespect to those degrees meant though)--and he's had to explain that no, my wife is going to be a doctor.

Why can't people understand these simple things?

--Medical School=Doctor, as in MD

--Nursing School=Nurse

--PA School=PA

I seriously wonder if this is just something that women run into....like, if I were a male, would they just reach the conclusion that I am working towards an MD? I'm sure guys who say they're going to medical school don't get the reply of "Oh, are you going to be a nurse?" And don't even get me started on those patients who assume that I'm a nurse in the clinics or up on the floors.

Muncie Match!

2009-03-25T20:47:00.003-04:00

Just an update-- I matched at Ball Memorial Hospital in Muncie, IN! This was my first choice on my rank order list (ROL), and I'm very happy to know my direction for the next 3 years. Muncie was the last stop on my 16(!) city tour of interviewing craziness, but I'm glad I held out and went to that one. We really liked the people there, and my husband is super excited about the city, because they have Ball State University, with an MBA program and also this thing known as a business incubator--right up his alley.

Regarding baby business- before both my and the program's ROL were due, I called them up to break the news that oh, I'm having a baby the 2nd week of intern year--surprise! (Well, not surprise for me--baby boy was planned afterall...). I was a little nervous in calling them, but it wasn't too bad, because a resident and grad of UK almost 2 years ago had a baby the first week of internship, and everybody survived. The residency director's first reaction was "What is going on with these UK gals having babies in July!?!" Later on, he remembered to congratulate me, ha ha. I told them that if possible, I'd love to start residency October 1st, allowing me to stay here to have the baby and then move to Muncie in late August/early September. To my surprise, they were totally ok with this and just said that I'd start and finish late--no need to use electives or anything. The only condition was that I try to make the 3 weeks of orientation that take place the last weeks of June....hopefully I can make it! The picture of me, 36, 37, and 38 weeks pregnant trying to do chest compressions as part of the ACLS algorithm is pretty hilarious I think. I informed them I was planning on having the baby here...the residency director goes, "Well, this is your first right? And how far to Lexington? Oh, 4 hours....well, if you did go into labor, you'd probably be able to make the drive!" Ha ha. Let's hope we don't have to cross that bridge. My husband is doing more than hoping that doesn't happen, I think...he may do rain dances or chants to try to ward off the situation.

Below is "The Great Spirit"--a famous landmark in Muncie.

Apparently, the Comments have begun...

2009-03-17T19:07:00.003-04:00

Today was a total blow to my pregnant self-confidence. The phase of strangers commenting on my pregnancy evidently has begun, and I'm not happy about it, not at all. What is it about pregnancy that makes people think they have free reign to blurt out whatever they're thinking within their tiny little heads? Normally, would a person start asking random questions of a stranger or try to make jokes regarding their condition so openly? I really don't think so. Even if a person is trying to comment to "make me feel cute, precious, ________, ________" whatever endearing term, I just don't really appreciate the commentary. I've had this huge (pun not really intended) fear of being one of those women who strangers look at and say "Oh, poor thing, she's got to be/looks/is so miserable." I don't want to be huge, I want to be normal and if possible, slightly cute. But, today has almost totally washed that pipe dream down the tubes.

Exhibit #1: I was seeing a 4 year old girl in clinic for her well-child check. Mom, who is 24 with an 8 year old and a 4 year old, half way through me talking to them just blurts out randomly--
Mom--"Are you having a baby?"
Me--"Yes, I'm due in July, it will be my first baby."
Mom--"Well that must be a BIG baby! My sister is due Aug. 10th and she's not nearly as big as you!"
Me--"Well, I'm a month ahead of her...." trying to keep from informing her that I didn't care how big her sister was, and that her sister was probably like 15 or something and not eating appropriately, and trying to keep from asking her if her sister knew who FOB was and all the other mean things I could think of....and also yelling at her for having a child when she was 15.

Exhibit #2: When walking back from the cafeteria at the hospital, with only a bag of Cheez.its and a spoon in hand, one of the crazy security guard people at the hospital says--
Security guy--"See, I told you to watch out about eating the cafeteria food, it's got you all bloated and stuff!"
Me--"Haha..." restraining myself against turning around and punching his teeth out.

Exhibit #3: In the clinic later on, another mother of a patient is in there-she's pregnant with her 4th child. Somebody asks her when she's due...she says May 30th-- a full 6 wks before me, but I swear, I feel that we're pretty close to the same size. I think she couldn't be older than 21....
So later on, I go back to the area where the students, residents, and doctors are sitting and lament the fact that I am feeling like I'm too huge to be barely over half-way through my pregnancy.... a male resident chimes in, genuinely trying to be helpful I think....
Resident--"So when are you due?"
Me--"The second week of July..."
Resident-- "Oh, well, is this your first or second baby?"
Me-- "My first...."
Resident-- pure silence...

The intent here was for him to be able to say, "Oh, well, if it's your second baby, then you're probably fine" or whatever....but this isn't my second.

There are a few things that get me all riled up about all of this stuff

Firstly, I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER HOW BIG MY BELLY IS, OR HOW BIG MY BELLY WILL GET! I'm not eating everything in sight, and I've NOT put on an extra layer of fat. I'm not exercising because I have uncomfortable cramp-like sensations when I walk long distances, but I take the stairs for up to 3 flights, and park kinda far from school.
Secondly, as I alluded to before--why is it that people think they have the RIGHT and the NEED to comment on my belly? It's MY BELLY! I don't comment on your belly, you don't need to comment on mine. What would things be like if people were going around saying "Hey, your spare tire looks a little inflated today!" I don't think it would be pretty. IF YOU'VE GOT THOUGHTS ABOUT HOW HUGE I AM, KEEP THEM INTERNAL---OR AT LEAST SAY THEM BEHIND MY BACK SO I CAN'T HEAR!
Comparing pregnant women's bellies is not fair to anybody. We've got a distorted image of how a woman should look while pregnant--all that matters is that I'm healthy and the baby is healthy! And I know, I need to take my own advice and not compare myself to another woman, because I really don't know how big I am or how big I look.
People can't assume to know how I feel about the way I look. I probably won't agree with ANY comment that is made, positive or negative. Right now, I feel that I'm as big as the broad side of a barn, and I've got 17 weeks to go, God willing.

Ok, I think I'm done ranting--and don't get me started on the rubbing the belly thing!

I need to get a shirt which reads "I don't comment on your belly, please don't comment on mine!"

The Baby? A Boy!

2009-02-24T18:47:00.003-05:00

On Monday, we got to see our little baby for the fourth time (more about the inordinate number of U/S maybe in a later post)...but this time, we could actually tell that this "thing" was a baby instead of a blob! I felt like I was meeting somebody so familiar, yet so foreign. It seemed somewhat surreal that I have this life inside of me, even though I've been feeling him move for a few weeks.

I don't know what to say about the ultrasound...I guess I have alot to say, but I don't know where to start. Going into the ultrasound I was nervous and anxious about a number of things. Obviously, being a medical student, I had all of the possible horrors in mind: omphalocele, gastroschisis, diaphragmatic hernia, renal agenesis, anencephaly, spina bifida... and on and on... I've been praying this whole pregnancy that everything is healthy, and it looked like everything was good, praise God!

The other issue was who to have in the ultrasound room. At first, I'd planned on just me and Ryan being there by ourselves--just our little family. But, I started feeling guilty when I could hear the excitement in my Mom's voice regarding the baby. And then, more guilt when I thought about including my Mom, but not having Ryan's Mom there--afterall, this baby is related to them both in the same way. I was mostly afraid that them being there would take away from our experience, and make me feel like the baby was, I don't know, less mine. I arrived at a solution though-- we decided to have Ryan and me (obviously) there for the first few minutes alone, and then to let the proud grandmothers come in and see what was going on. Overall, I think this went well, and I know the grandmothers both really appreciated it.

Ok, so on to more details of the ultrasound--Ryan and I went in and the tech started, and rather quickly went to the "private parts." I think we're in for trouble in the future, cause the baby was showing his goods to everyone! Just hanging out there flapping in amniotic fluid--there was NO QUESTION as to the sex of the baby--boy, boy, boy! Just for the record, I thought the baby was a boy, Ryan thought girl. Ryan actually has had 2 dreams where the baby was a girl, I guess those are for way in the future. My mom thought boy, Ryan's mom didn't know, and most of my friends thought boy. The tech went on to look at other parts, the face, the spine and all of that for a few more minutes. I kept telling Ryan to go and get our mothers--but he didn't want to leave the room (it was so cute!).

When the grandmothers came in, the tech put up a shot of "the goods" to see if they could tell what the sex was, but neither would guess, even though it was evident. The tech finished up looking at all the other parts and measuring. He weighs 13 ounces, and God help me, his head is in the 99th percentile for size! The rest of his measurements were all over the 5oth...ugh, the thought of pushing him out...ouch.

One last comment...I keep thinking that the picture above of him is so funny. He's got his little hand over his face, in what I interpret as a posture of shame. Some theories as to what he's thinking have been as follows:

"Oh great, you're telling me that THESE PEOPLE are going to be my PARENTS?!?"

"Why don't you people just let me go back to sleep?"

"Sheesh, you people don't even knock! You just barge right in without notice..."

News!

2009-02-15T22:02:00.002-05:00

I'M PREGNANT!

I've actually been pregnant for, oh, almost 19 weeks now, but I was waiting to say anything until it was pretty much undeniable that I was carrying my own little parasite :)

I posted a few blog entries that I wrote back in Jan. but didn't post because I didn't want to be "public" yet, so for those few readers out there, you can go and check them out.

Also, I will be finding out the sex of the baby on the 23rd of this month, YAY!

More info...I'm pretty sure that I've been feeling the baby for about 2 weeks now, and it's a weird feeling, almost like muscle twitches, but they are kinda jumpy and sometimes surprise me/catch me off guard. I like feeling the baby moving though, because it almost makes me think he or she is communicating with me, and I'm carrying around my own little friend in my belly.

What about residency? I'm hoping to start in October...more details later if people really wanna hear.

Are You Kidding Me?

2009-01-27T09:53:00.002-05:00

I've just realized that I want to inflict physical harm upon the "powers that be" at Arby's. During my crazy interview stretch, all I wanted was a baked potato from Arby's, but had to settle for Wendy's. We went to 5 or 6 Arbys looking for baked potatoes--and found none. At one time, I was told that they were a "seasonal item" on the menu, so I thought we were out-of-season. Now, don't get me wrong, Wendy's baked potatoes were fine, but Arby's were GREAT. Today, I got curious and went to Arby's website to look at their menu... their side item menu, to be exact.

Now, the new item is some "Southwest Mini-Egg Roll".... but no baked potatoes to be found...they used to have like, 4 different types of baked potatoes...now, nadda, zip, ziltch. How could they do this to me? The closest thing they have on the menu now is some Loaded Potato Bites with Cool Ranch Sour Cream... ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?

Ugh. What's a girl to do?

Hilarious! I love dogs, seriously.

2009-01-24T22:13:00.002-05:00

Seeing as how I own an Australian Shepherd, this clip hit even more close to home, but even if we didn't own Jax, I think I still would have laughed so hard that I was crying. It's the best thing I've seen in a while!

Rip OFF City!

2009-01-20T21:41:00.005-05:00

I've been using these prenatal vitamins that I had as samples from my OB/GYN. They're the "newer age" ones (I guess) that have added DHA and EPA, which are lauded as the big things in supplements for pregnant and post-partum moms because those fatty acids are supposed to help in nervous system (read=BRAIN) development of the baby. So, I decided to ask for a prescription for them because previously, I had been using the Wally-World generic brand previously.

Imagine my shock and surprise when I paid for my prescription today and it cost $60, with my insurance discount! I get in the car and look at how many capsules were included, I was expecting, oh, say 120....no....there were 30 (!!!!!!!!!!!!) in there. I'll say that again...30! That means each VITAMIN pill was $2. Are you kidding me?

This personally offends me. It's such a fleecing of women, at one of their most vulnerable times in their lives. I can see the vitamin makers now:

Vitamin Maker: But don't you want to make sure your baby's brain develops to the best of its ability? What kind of mom WOULDN'T love her child enough to do that?

(guilt trip guilt trip guilt trip....)

It's disgusting. Of course I want the best for my child. Of course I'm going to try my best to help nurture development of a healthy brain in him/her.... but $2 a prenatal vitamin pill?!? I feel like I SHOULD continue to take the "best" prenatal vitamin...and I have read some of the research on DHA and EPA, but perhaps I should do a little more in-depth reading to find out the quality of the research which has been done.

PS, I wrote this oh, about 4 weeks ago, but have been waiting to publish!

It's Feeling a Little More Real...

2009-01-19T15:20:00.005-05:00

Today, I had my 15 week prenatal appointment. Up until now, it's been hard for me to realize that I will be having a real, live child in my arms come July. Although I desperately wanted to become pregnant and definitely want this baby, I still just have been incredulous as to everything going on inside of my body--and to the fact that it may even be going as designed. I still feel that way somewhat, but today, I was confronted with the real possibility at my appointment.

I was called up to the registration desk and they asked me if I wanted to make a payment down towards the delivery. Now, they'd sent me the monthly estimate of what we'd be paying for the delivery of said baby...but I thought that we'd be paying AFTER the baby actually got here. Am I crazy to have assumed this would be the correct timing of asking for somebody to pay for their child? I mean, of course, the thing that goes on in the back of my head is, "Well, what if I don't deliver a term or alive baby?" I just think that having somebody make payments on something that isn't assured is, I don't know, premature? assuming? counting chickens before they're hatched?

The next thought that came into my head was, "Well, I may not be believing that I'm going to have a baby, I guess somebody in this world does...."

Lesson Learned: Make no assumptions about payments on anything, especially not on something that hasn't even been delivered yet!

What It's Worth: Not having a shocked look on my face at my next appointment when they ask for the $100

Again, this one was written oh, around 4 weeks ago...

Absent

2009-01-15T09:32:00.003-05:00

I'm still alive. I've just not written anything in forever because I feel like I have nothing much to say. I'm still on vacation but have a bunch of things to do for meetings and also one small project to do for school.

BORING!

So, I guess I'll return when I'm more inspired to say something. Sorry.

But oh, I am done with interviews! YAY! Doing 16 Family Medicine interviews is pretty crazy....

Vacation Garbage

2008-12-22T22:38:00.003-05:00

I've got a confession to make, and I'm pretty ashamed to do it. Actually, a few confessions. Not to be complaining about time off (time off is always great) but it's seriously reduced the substance of my life to, well, pretty much garbage.

I would say that it started on the 2.5 week epic journey. I read the first Twilight book just to keep me busy. But, like a fast-growing cancer, I couldn't get the next one in my hands and read fast enough. So, I blew through all of them as quickly as possible. I'm trying to keep some of my dignity by NOT going and seeing the movie--I'll keep you posted.

During the week days, I've slept and sat at home. Daytime TV leaves much to be desired, especially the 2:00-3:00 time slot, oh, and the 10:00 time slot as well. I've resorted to Judge Mathis and The People's Court, as well as Matlock in the a.m. I've even caught myself contemplating watching all of the paternity tests on Maury, but am so disgusted by the people who take procreation so lightly that I have to turn it.

Tonight, I'm sitting here watching Momma's Boys...completely horrible. Do you see the slippery slope? I still have a month of vacation left, oh lord, by the end, I might end up as a guest on the Jerry Springer Show if I don't watch out!

Christmas Card Guilt

2008-12-18T08:49:00.003-05:00

Well, I'm so so so happy to be home after my huge interviewing trip. But, there was a pile of guilt waiting for me when I got home. More specifically, Christmas cards.

Everybody ranging from the insurance agent, to residency programs, to very good friends from church have sent us cards--there are 12 of them, and I'm sure more will come.

In years past, I have sent cards out...but I didn't this year or last year due to medical school interference.

I'd really like to return the favor to people, and show that I appreciate that they took time to send me a holiday greeting, but I just don't have the energy to do it, so I feel guilty.

Does anybody else out there feel guilty due to unrequited Christmas card greetings?

Completely Random

2008-12-11T00:23:00.004-05:00

So, I've been so absent lately because I'm on my epic 2.5 week interviewing journey. It's been crazy. One thing I have learned though is how to be a Hampton Inn connoisseur. As such, I must say I'm a bit confused by the various Hampton Inns' randomness evidenced in their elevators.

In each of the elevators, there is a different graphic with a "cute"? saying...and I'm not sure what the sayings are supposed to impart as far as deeper meaning. (If there is anyone out there who knows the key to all of this randomness, please drop me a line.) Here are the examples:

"If the shoe fits..." --- with a woman's feet pictured in high heels which are clearly too big
"With a 'baa baa' here...." --- with just a sheep standing around
"petal pusher" ---with a kid in one of those like, Tyco plastic buggy/car things
"Singing in the rain" ---with a little boy in a rain jacket, but no rain
"Walking the dog" ---with a little girl holding a yo-yo, walking the dog
"Can you hear me now?" ---with a little girl holding a tin-can telephone

I really am tempted to ask a person at the front desk about all of this, even at the risk of them looking at me as if I'm insane. Who knows, maybe they have a special prize awaiting anybody who has the intellectual curiosity to ask....

Oh the Humanity!

2008-11-21T15:30:00.003-05:00

I just found out today, after having a weird craving for these oh-so-greasy and oh-so-sinfully-full-of-calorie-treats...that Planters has stopped making them. They may have stopped making them as long as 2 years ago (you can tell how long it's been since I had them). Now there's a small, empty hole left on my tongue---full of tastebuds which were specially attuned to the savory flavor of these crunchy delights. There are few things in the world with as much cheesey (spelling?) goodness as found in these. What are they going to do next? Stop making pasteurized cheese in a can? I can't bear the thought!

Ugh...

2008-11-18T20:45:00.002-05:00

How does one not become jaded and discouraged before even beginning practicing? This article has me posing this question. All the time you hear the bleakness of the medical picture, how primary care is undervalued and not compensated, and how things may get worse or won't get fixed.

Legislating the Doctor-Patient Relationship

2008-11-16T22:28:00.004-05:00

I read an article recently in the AMA News about some new legislation in California. Read here:
http://www.ama-assn.org/amednews/2008/11/10/prsc1110.htm

They have made it a law (the Terminal Patients' Right to Know End-of-Life Options Act) that doctors are required to talk to patients "at the patient's request" about end-of-life care, specifically hospice, but they do not have to talk about those "grey areas" (ie, withholding nutrition and water, palliative sedation) that may hasten death.

Now, anybody who knows me might think that I'd be excited about this legislation, given that I have an interest in Advance Directives and informing patients about options near the end of life, the limitations and uncertainties of the medical system, as well as just opening up communication lines regarding death and dying.

My first response though was to scoff at the idea. I realize that this is all in patients' interests--to be informed and to have understanding, and I don't want anything to get in the way of that. BUT SERIOUSLY? Making it a law? These discussions should be happening anyhow--they're part of a responsible doctor's job to make sure that patients are as well-prepared as possible for what may lie ahead.

What good does it do to say that doctors are required to provide this information "at the patient's request"? This is still putting the responsibility upon the patient.

Legal Rep: "Doctor, why didn't you talk to this patient about dying?"

Doctor: "Well, he didn't know he was dying, and didn't ask me about dying, so I didn't need to bring it up."

Legal Rep: "Oh, ok, then, well, as long as they didn't ask about it...I guess we don't have a beef."

And honestly, those doctors who aren't talking to their patients with a terminal condition about end-of-life care.... does anybody think that having it written down as a law somewhere will make them any more apt to talk about it with their patients? This isn't a conversation that you have because you're "required" to do it--it's a conversation you have because it's a privilege and it's what's right to do for your patients.

Another thing.... nothing in the article mentions what the "penalty" under law is--so it would seem just another worthless piece of paper that tax dollars were spent buying....a distraction to the lawmakers so that they might be able to say that they are "contributing to the health care system" all the while the other problems are sitting around, stewing, because, well, who knows.... "Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain."

Lesson Learned: You can't legislate the doctor-patient relationship.... it would seem legislators are a bit clueless in this realm.

What it's Worth: It's worth being able to keep a true sense of what the doctor-patient relationship is built upon.

Yo, Adrian!

2008-11-06T21:06:00.003-05:00

AMC is creating the bane of my existence currently. They've decided to run the "Rocky" series of movies on multiple nights this week. Although I don't particularly have one TV show I must watch, Rocky, Rocky II, Rocky III, and Rocky IV have been on the TV..........ugh........ I really don't know what else to say. I thought about putting up a picture of Stallone just as a graphic for this post, but I'm too disgusted to see his human growth hormone-loving face one more time, or to have it on my blog.

On Another Planet

2008-10-27T18:50:00.003-04:00

I started my outpatient Dermatology rotation today. The details of the "other planet" are dizzying. I'm not talking about me being clueless regarding dermatologic disease, I'm talking about the way that a Derm office runs. I must say, it's pretty obscene.

Firstly, the doctor has appointments scheduled every 10 minutes, some (probably 1/4) are double-booked. AND THEY NEVER RUN BEHIND!!!

The nurse to doctor ratio is 3:1....let me repeat, the doctor has 3 nurses to herself, probably leading to why the first point above exists. Each nurse comes into the room with the doctor and performs the following duties:

Getting all of the Chief Complaint, History of Present Illness, and Past Medical History from the patient without the doctor repeating the questions
Writing prescriptions and if a patient needs refills, the nurse goes ahead and writes it
Ripping the carbon copy off of the prescription (as in, today, the nurse handed a prescription to the doctor with its carbon copy on the back and the doctor handed it back to the nurse--I think, for the only purpose of the nurse ripping them apart and handing it back to the doctor)
Numbing areas to biopsy
Being at the beck and call of the doctor to run and get samples, etc.
Doing all the teaching regarding wounds and dressing

My mind was boggled at what the doctor DIDN'T have to do...and how she billed for the visits.

One visit she called a "Level 4" (which, for those non-medical out there... pretty complicated but not the highest, Level 5) --the patient was on Accutane, she looked over his dry skin, suggested heavy mosturizer, asked him a few questions about mood, and looked at his lab work...that was it! Geeze, I'm sure in Family Medicine nobody would get away with calling at a Level 4.

And one last thing...all of the patients came in with an understanding that only their skin would be taken care of, that's it. It was so strange to not have them bringing up multiple, unrelated complaints...and very boring.

Lesson Learned: I'd be bored to tears and unable to sleep in peace at night if I did "medicine" this way.

What it's Worth: Seeing how "the other half" lives.

Words!

2008-10-21T20:58:00.003-04:00

I've decided I love words. Last night as I was trying to go to sleep, I was thinking about how remarkable they are. A series of letters, put together to convey greater meaning, to share thoughts, and to connect the human experience. I was thinking of some of my favorite words--some are my favorites just because of the sounds they make coming off of the tongue, and some are my favorites because they are just perfect for what sentiment, what action, what thought is needed for any situation. So, here they are...in no particular order:

1. Raucous--"disagreeably harsh or strident OR boisterously disorderly"

2. Serreptitious--"done, made, or acquired by stealth OR acting or doing something clandestinely"

3. Recalcitrant-- "obstinately defiant of authority or restraint OR difficult to manage or operate OR not responsive to treatment "

4. Glower--"to look or stare with sullen annoyance or anger"

5. Querulous--"habitually complaining, fretful, or whining"

6. Candid--"free from bias, prejudice, or malice OR marked by honest sincere expression"

Lesson Learned--none really from the statements above, but I will leave it with the following caution from the Bible:

"When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise." Proverbs 10: 19

I'm still working on that one.

(also, many thanks to merriamwebster.com for their formal definitions.)

Personal Responsibility Anyone?

2008-10-08T21:00:00.002-04:00

I think I may write a more coherent and collected blog about this later (maybe). I don't know if I'd be able to accomplish this without being, well, legalistic, unforgiving, judgemental, condemning... yadda yadda. If you've not seen the following articles online lately, I suggest you read below.

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,409262,00.html

and

http://www.cnn.com/2008/US/10/08/nebraska.safe.haven/index.html

and

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,429106,00.html

Basically, the genius lawmakers in Nebraska have made a law letting people "abandon/drop off/give a safe haven" to "children." They left it open to interpretation (seemingly intentionally) as to children up to 18 can be given over as wards of the state. I think that one of the fatal flaws in their thinking is that those people who actually TAKE THE INITIATIVE to drop off their children probably wouldn't have been horrible parents in the first place, because they care about how their children might turn out. Those who actually are playing an active role in abusing and neglecting their children--I wonder how many of them would use this law?

Now, I'm not implying that any child should be deprived of a safe, nurturing, supportive home. Where is the personal responsibility in all of this? As Americans, we've become devoid of any consequences, ready to have somebody bail us out, give us a quick fix, and take away any little thing that may cause stress. Promises seemingly mean nothing, nobody stops to think ahead.

Out of all the actions we can perform on this Earth... shouldn't the decision to have children be one that gives us the most pause?

Horsebite!

2008-10-05T20:33:00.007-04:00

I had a great weekend .... except.... well, see below:

That would be a horse bite...and no, I really didn't do anything to the horse to make it bite me. And yes, it did hurt as badly as it might seem from the picture. The "eyes" of the bruise (the two lighter areas) were where her teeth actually made contact.

We ended up riding after that, but I wasn't on her. :)

We went camping on Friday, horseback riding Saturday. Lovely weather, lovely time. I love KY in the fall.

Lesson Learned: Never trust a horse, even if you've known it since it was a little one.

What It's Worth: Not having to explain that your husband doesn't, in fact, inflict bruises upon you, haha.

Ah, Yoga

2008-09-16T21:24:00.003-04:00

While on this away rotation, I've not done much to enjoy myself or the town I'm in, but I'm so forutnate to have gotten to stay with a lady who teaches a yoga class. It had been forever since my last session, but oh goodness...how quickly I realized I must get back into it for my sanity!

I never would have thought that I'd be a yogi. It seemed too, well, new-age granola and also intimidating. When I first started at my YMCA, I didn't figure that I'd last. I quickly discovered how great it was.

It doesn't matter what is going on in your head prior to the session-- a bad experience at work, school, horrible fight with somebody--whatever. I promise, if the class is of decent quality, by the end, you will have cleared your mind. The breathing. The stretching. The gentle pushing, pulling, and sometimes contorting. I'm not one to say that I'm in touch with my body, but in yoga, you can become one with your body and mind...I know... it sounds like some bad info-mercial, but it really made me think more about mind-body-(spirit) medicine and complementary and alternative treatments as well. Mostly about my own sanity though. I needed it during second year of med school...and I think I need it now! If you've not done it--try it--- I don't think that you'll regret it!

A Bit Lighter?

2008-09-10T19:43:00.004-04:00

Well, I was looking at my recent blogs, and one might think that things have been pretty dark lately. They haven't been too bad, really. Tonight I was going to air some more of my frustrations, but I've decided instead to post a link to a video on YouTube which, although it makes me cry, it puts things into perspective. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do. It has already put me in a better mood this evening.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zCdZwitrNoY

Lesson Learned: Watch the video, you'll see.

What it's Worth: It's worth what nothing else is worth--and it's worth what matters.

Frustrated!

2008-09-07T20:41:00.004-04:00

I've just come to understand something about myself. I guess I knew it before, but this evening, I just figured out how to put it into words.

One of the best ways to frustrate and disappoint me is to refuse to address an issue that I expect some discourse on.

I might say something, bring up a topic, or put it in an email, and if said listener or reader doesn't respond appropriately (or, with something that I deem appropriate) I quickly become frustrated, angry, disappointed, and possibly even paranoid.

So then, I sit and seethe, and play out the possibilities as to why said person may not have responded to me. All the while, they sit there probably pleasantly ignorant as to my internal turmoil that bubbles into a bad mood.

What can I even do about it though? It's not like I can FORCE somebody to share their thoughts (or non-thoughts) with me about whatever it is I'm wanting to discuss. Sometimes I'm sure it would be best for me just not to say anything at all. If there's no discussion, then there are no expectations of what the discussion will be or what goals it will achieve. Usually though, one would expect that when Person A says something like "I wonder about this" or "I thought ______ about that" or "I'm (sad, angry, frustrated, happy, disappointed, joyous, excited) about __________" That the natural human response would be to address the thought or the emotion.

Lesson Learned: Stop having expectations about how people might behave.

What It's Worth: Not being frustrated by unmet expectations.

God Second-Thinks?

2008-08-28T21:52:00.004-04:00

So, I've been reading 1Samuel some. It's about how David got put into the position of "being a man after God's own heart." Good story. I've not finished it yet, but still, I know it's a good story. But the other night, I was reading and I was surprised by something I read.

Now, this doesn't happen much-- not surprise/shock. The most probable and correct assumption would be that I don't read the Bible enough then. But ususally, I do have something that speaks to me or is unexplicably wise, but usually not surprised. Here it is---

1Samuel 15:35: "And the Lord was grieved that he had made Saul king over Israel."

My first response was "Wow, really? The Creator of the Universe was sad that he did something?" I mean, he's omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent... He knew what the outcome would be before the world was even made, yet even then, He was sorry that He did it. He doesn't answer to anybody, has no obligations to fulfill, and can do whatever He pleases.

The Israelites had asked that God give them a king. He tried to indicate that even though they thought they did, they didn't want to be like all the other kingdoms, but they insisted--and got Saul, who was awful. All this time, God was planning on putting David in after Saul. So, if Saul was the means to the end to get David in, then why would He be sorry?

This is one of the times where I wish I knew Hebrew. I'd like to understand the nuance of grieved. Was God grieved because of all the trouble His choice was causing Him? (like, needing to do more work to fix it?) Was God grieved that He was seeing His children make a bad choice, which He granted? Was He just grieved that He'd made a bad decision? But how could it be a bad decision/mistake if He knew the outcome and could have prevented it in the first place?

Ok, my head is spinning now, but you get the point.

If God was grieved over a decision He made, I wonder what other times that He grieved/grieves in the same way? I'm sure there was grieving over Jesus' death on the cross, but at the same time joy.

Lessoned Learned: Maybe sometimes God isn't so happy with all of the things He decides to do.

What it's Worth: It's worth knowing that I have a God who understands what grieving over a decision is like, and He's here to comfort me through it, and He's got a plan further down the line that's better.

Blow Up

2008-08-27T16:01:00.004-04:00

Today, I went over the edge. Blew my top, had the straw break my back, flipped out, flew off the handle--all of that. We're talking about yelling, face turning unnatural colors, sweating, and a few small choice words, then more yelling. It may be that I've been stressed lately (probably that's umm 99% of it) but it was also the FACT THAT NOBODY EVER SEEMS TO KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON WITH AHEC ROTATIONS!!!! For those of you who don't know, those are rural rotations out in other parts of the state--Area Health Education Centers(?)

I've been signed up to do a Rural AI with our Dept. of Family and Community Medicine SINCE MARCH...and the rotation is supposed to start Sept. 1..... today, after speaking with multiple people multiple times (oh...about a total of 8 emails/face to face convos/etc.) I FINALLY get the name of just one person down there, so I wouldn't just show up and have nowhere to go.

The thing is, the AHEC coordinator had never heard of this so called "Rural AI" --didn't even know what an "AI" is...here's the thing: IT'S A COURSE IN OUR CATALOG!!! IT'S BEEN A COURSE IN OUR CATALOG!!! Somewhere, obviously, somebody isn't so organized or good at sharing information. I don't blame the AHEC person, either.

Lesson Learned: Just because something is listed as available, it doesn't mean that it will go off without a hitch, even though any NORMAL person would expect that.

OH-- update--this just in, I will NOT in fact be living in what is quoted as "Housing is in an efficiency basement apartment with its own entrance. The apartment consists of living room, bedroom, bathroom, dining area, and a small kitchenette in the utility room. There is a microwave oven and refrigerator. You will be sharing the washer and dryer with the family on weekends. The apartment is completely furnished (please bring bath towels, wash cloths). " I just spoke to the lady who has said area and she says "Oh, did Kathy not tell you? There's already a student living there, she couldn't find anywhere else for you to live, so you'll be living upstairs in a room in my house, you'll have a private bath, but you'll have to share the kitchen with me.

Now, I'm very fortunate to have a place to live, I'm happy about that. BUT IT WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE TO HAVE FOUND THIS NEW INFO OUT A LITTLE SOONER, dontcha think?

Dream Deferred

2008-08-21T18:23:00.004-04:00

I'd never really understood Langston Hughe's poem "Harlem" or "A Dream Deferred." Then, I heard it read by Morgan Freeman for one of the Olympics commercials...and it made sense. Call me a literary idiot, but I just didn't GET IT until then- I think I thought that he was talking about a dream that you have while asleep.

What happens to a dream deferred?
Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore--
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over--
like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?

We read it in high school, and I would challenge that high schoolers really have no business reading it, or at least reading it for being understood. Read it for historical perspective, possibly. But, I think it takes an adult to understand "dream deferred." I think you have to have had a "dream deferred" to understand it.

I also looked up the Merriam-Webster definition of "deferred"-- "to put off, delay OR withheld for or until a stated time."

That's the power of this poem, and of dreams--Langston Hughes didn't say a dream demolished, or dead....it's been deferred (but still has the possibility of exploding).

I think mine right now is somewhere between festering like a sore or rotting like meat... or sagging like a heavy load-- it basically depends on the hour of the day and who I see in passing or who I'm with.

A Thread That Joins Us

2008-08-20T21:02:00.004-04:00

Today, I cried at school. It's happened before, and I'm sure it will happen again. But this wasn't related to my grades, my classmates, a patient, or even a human. I read this story about a gorilla whose 3 month old baby died. She's been carrying him around with him ever since. I hate to
include such a gruesome picture from the story, but I'm going to.

Her baby is on her back (where it seems she often carries him) and another gorilla's baby is in her hands.

I'm almost at a loss of words describe how much this affected me, and how deeply it resonated. I know some would say that animals don't have feelings, or a soul, or the capabilities of emotion that would come near what we have as humans, but I think that the power of motherhood and the sense of loss here clearly challenges those boundaries.

I feel as though she is looking at the camera, saying "Here is what I had, here is what I lost...and here is what I wish I still could still have."

I don't know about the long-term memory of gorillas, but I'm sure that she'll continue to carry that baby on her back long after his little body has been removed.

Square Pegs in Round Holes

2008-08-13T20:32:00.004-04:00

I promised to do a blog on a summary of third year... now it's fourth year and I've not gotten to it, and this blog isn't the review of third year either, sorry.

Right now I'm doing research, which I started during our (3 week) summer break. It involves surveying patients, assessing their health literacy, asking them some true/false questions and then randomizing them to a verbal or video & verbal module designed to teach them about severe dementia and the end-of-life choices somebody could make before coming to that state of being. The choices are Life Prolonging Care, Basic Medical Care, and Comfort Care. The website for the video can be viewed here: http://gallery.mac.com/avolandes#100033

During this research, I've often been frustrated at patients not answering my questions to fit in my neat check-boxes. I've often screamed inside, "IT'S TRUE OR FALSE, STOP HEDGING/QUABBLING OVER ONE WORD!" But then I have to remind myself, they want to do well, and have varying experiences with dementia and end-of-life decision making. Still, fitting square pegs into round holes has been hard.

I've also been confronted with my too-much type A syndrome. There are times that patients tell me things and I'm just wanting to focus on the matter at hand--doing the survey, watching the video, getting through the protocol. I feel like time is being wasted by small talk, or interjections of "one time so and so down the road had this happen..."

But, they keep my type A in check because there are times when I've been blown away by some of the stories that complete strangers have told me. One doctor from olden days disclosed some of his former ethical battles involving too few iron lungs and too many critical polio patients (I would love to go into more detail, but think it's best that I not do that in this forum). Another lady related how she was responsible for one of the first Alzheimer's nursing units in the state. Another talked about her nursing career working with mentally handicapped children.

A man told me how much pain he was in after the loss of his wife only a few weeks earlier. He said, "and I'm about to explode right now" regarding thinking about the loss of his companion after 60 years, and how, although he knew it was coming, he didn't expect it when it did occur and how much her absence had overtaken his life.

Another man, who was still relatively young (and appeared younger than stated age), told me that he had metastatic cancer, but felt fine, and so didn't know how to answer the question "In general you would say your health is ... " They always tell us that the definition of health isn't just "being free of disease" but I didn't believe them until then.

A woman related some of her distrust in the medical field due to her mother (who was DNR) being brought to the hospital after a carotid blow-out. She felt that the surgeons tried to save her just to get practice in doing the procedure, and when she relayed her frustration to the doctor, he said "Well, why come to the hospital then? You only come here if you want saved."

One lady told me that she'd never told anyone this certain fact--that she had doubts about her one of her family member's choice of a husband.

I'm almost in disbelief of how much information people are willing to share with somebody who is in the medical field, or who the person sees as fulfilling a "doctor" role. I'm just a medical student doing research--I have nothing to do with their medical care or visit during that hour, but many want to share with me. I find it hard to imagine how much I'll learn while being a "real doctor." I hope my "type A" doesn't taint my encounters and that my patients see in me a willingness to listen and hear, and thus want to share those things on their minds that day. I'm sure my healing will be much more potent and successful if I can do that.

Lesson Learned--The power given to us as doctors is immense, and part of the power lies in being a ear for our patients to be heard.

What it's Worth--It's worth being satisfied with my job, loving my patients, and having my patients be satisfied with me.

Politically Correct ... Genital Warts?

2008-08-05T20:00:00.005-04:00

Ok, a medical rant!!! I'm tired of the Gardasil (copyrighted) commercials which continue to shroud the prevalence and problems associated with all things sexual.

STOP SAYING "AND OTHER HPV DISEASES" and be out with it-- GENITAL WARTS, GENITAL WARTS, GENITAL WARTS!!!!!

Here's the website in case you're wondering: http://www.gardasil.com/

I guess the new euphemism for "genital warts" is "other HPV diseases." As if saying "genital warts" causes them to come into existence. Do people ACTUALLY think that the average patient, let alone the AVERAGE girl/young woman between the ages of 9-26 knows what they mean by "other HPV diseases"?

Honestly, I've seen genital warts. They're not pretty. At all...not to mention uncomfortable. (No, I don't know this because of my own personal experience.) You have to freeze them off, or burn them off with a laser, or use cream...and even then, they can come back.

It all comes back to the worry that vaccinating girls against this highly prevalent virus (between 1/2 to 3/4 of people have it) will remove all of the consequences from having sex ...either at a young age, unprotected, unmarried, with multiple partners (take your pick) and will all of a sudden cause them all to run out and have sex, since they no longer have to worry about *gasp* other HPV diseases. Come on. Honestly, I'm sure that it's the rare girl who said "No" to sex only because she was afraid of getting cervical cancer or genital warts.

That said, I'm completely for the vaccine, don't get me wrong. And I'm also all for waiting until you are in a stable, committed, adult (preferably married) relationship before having sex. But all of the rhetoric surrounding it, as stated above, is just silly. Young people need to know all of the consequences and responsibilities of sex--physical, emotional, social, financial. In the US, 1/2 of all pregnancies are unintended. Obviously, hiding behind euphemisms and sweeping things under the rug isn't quite cutting it.

Lesson Learned: Euphemisms, especially medical ones probably don't help anyone. Be clear and honest, especially about some of the most intimate things humans deal with.

What it's worth: It's worth saving some confusion and lots of uncomfortable explanation later.

Oh, and I apologize for not giving you references for the above stats...but I'm being lazy this evening, and they're true, I promise.

A Picture

2008-07-22T22:45:00.003-04:00

Here's a picture I meant to post with the Red River Gorge post from last week. I've got more blogs to write, but I keep wasting time in the evenings on Facebook and oh, just wasting time in general.

Red River Gorge(ous) and a Wonderful Weekend

2008-07-15T15:20:00.005-04:00

I have so many blogs in my head to post, I figured that I shouldn't let this one go too far past this weekend.

Friday, my husband and I left town to visit one of the best natural beauties in Kentucky--Red River Gorge/Natural Bridge. My best friend and her husband got a cabin for the weekend, and invited us along. The drive there was beautiful, and when we got there, the cabin was quaint, cute, and without air conditioning (not so pleasant, but bearable).

We had a dinner of steak and baked potatoes with salad and then dessert by the fire. MMMMM 'smores. I'd been craving those for quite some time. I can't remember the last time I sat by a fire, not worrying about the next test, the next day, the next hoop to jump through. Other than mosquitoes feasting on me, I can't complain at all.

The next morning, we had yummy bacon, biscuits, apples, and eggs. We went hiking for around 3 hours. I love hiking, and it had been forever. I like getting to find tiny things along the trail, like a snail with it's "antennae" outstretched, gliding along a leaf; a vibrantly colored piece of fungus growing on a log; an oddly shaped tree mimicking a pregnant belly, or making a perfect seat out of its branches. I love to see the motion of tiny things alive, juxtaposed against an overall silence and stillness.

We got tired and hungry after our hike, came back to the cabin and were quickly rained in by a down-pour. We took full advantage, and had a refreshing nap. Afterwards, we canoed a few miles UPSTREAM, and I jumped off of this rock:

Seriously, it's a LOT taller than it appears, especially from the top.

We canoed back to the cabin, had dinner of chicken and veggie kabobs, and sat by the fire again, roasting marshmallows.

Sunday, we came back to town for church, and had a wonderful service about the qualities of a Good Shepherd. I'm so happy to know that I have a savior who I can trust, follow, and lean on. Sunday night was VBS. Seeing the kids participate and learn is great, and I had fun along the way too.

Heaven on a Table and a Burrito?

2008-07-11T15:36:00.003-04:00

Ahhhhhh. Freedom. TODAY WAS THE LAST DAY OF THIRD YEAR! WHORAY! I'm going to blog a reflection on third year soon, but I had to say what I did to celebrate first.

Last fall, my wonderful husband got me a gift certificate to use at a local salon and spa. So, today, I got my first ever massage and herbal body wrap, as well as my second ever facial. Heavenly.

I'm not sure which part I liked best. The facial was delectible. The herbal wrap, a little weird, but, I got to take a nap during it. The massage needed to last longer....ahhhh.

So, the burrito part. For the herbal wrap, they took these sheets which were steeped in some tea-looking liquid and put one under me, one over me, and then proceeded to wrap me up in this garb, which, seriously, had to have made me look like a burrito (aluminum foil included). There was a layer of plastic, then multiple layers of those hypothermia/fire protective tent thing type material, then more plastic, then blankets, and then more blankets. It would have been great to have gotten a picture of me in there!

This might have to do instead:

http://newmedia.funnyjunk.com/pictures/kitten-burrito-in-a-spinach-tortilla.jpg

After that was the massage, mostly of my upper back, shoulders, and arms, with a bit of neck thrown in.

Nice, very nice. I recommend it to everyone, especially after finishing third year.

July 1 = The Medical New Year

2008-07-05T19:16:00.004-04:00

This year, I was actually on the wards when the infamous "JULY 1" occurred. It was interesting, and a bit terrifying.

One of our new interns was from my medical school, the other, from a state in the North East... a foreign man in a very foreign country. He had the unfortunate "luck" of getting one of our most complicated patients for his first day EVER as a REAL DOCTOR.

Poor thing, to say he was a bit discombobulated is putting it lightly. His first presentation was probably the quality of a third year medical student in their first few months of school. Granted, as I said, this patient was VERY complicated, but he was not able to calm himself enough before hand and get collected over the whole thing. His order was wrong, he left things out, included things he shouldn't have, and said the name of each electrolyte before each of their values in the BMP. Needless to say, by the end of his presentation, there were beads of sweat on his brow. By the end of rounds, he was kneeling down, muttering unintelligible phrases and what I think were a few curse words as well.

In the next few days, he seemed to rebound, but his rebound came in the form of assertiveness about things sort of ancillary to the beef of the presentation. I'm sure he'll be fine, but to see his thrashing, treading, and near-drowning the first day was a learning point.

Lesson Learned--
1. July 1 stinks
2. Remember to breathe July 1, 2009---this could very well be me (and will probably be me in 2009)
3. Consider staying the night of June 30, 2009 in the hospital, just to get ready
4. Do whatever it takes to prepare for the morning of July 1, 2009
5. Remember to breathe July 1, 2009

What It's Worth--
It will probably be worth not feeling as if my entire previous 4 years of medical education weren't wasted, and also be worth some self-esteem that first gut and mind wrenching day.

Like a Knot on a Log

2008-06-26T21:05:00.003-04:00

I used the wrong criteria with which to choose a husband. Instead of choosing a loving, caring, handsome, smart, faithful man, I should have chosen based on one thing.... Is he a lighter sleeper than me? His alarm is forever going off in the morning, NEVER bothering him, and keeping me up with the constant snoozing and snoozing and more snoozing.

This morning was the worst--his alarm went of 1/2 hour before mine, and continued to buzz for the next 30 minutes, every 5 minutes. Needless to say, I was less than happy with him. So, I thought I'd exact a little revenge--after getting out of the shower, I flipped the overhead light on, hoping he'd wake up.

NADA--not so much as a squint.

So then, I decided to stomp through the house.....not a FLINCH! Then, I decided to pull the covers from his body............THE BOY DIDN'T MOVE! By this time I was incredulous at how much of a heavy sleeper he is, and truly wanting to strangle him in his sleep for it. I decided to dry my hair and leave the bathroom door open.....shortly thereafter, he rolled over and opened his eyes, but I'm pretty sure it was just a coincidence, not me being successful at waking his butt up. From now on, I've decided I'm just going to roll him from the bed in the mornings, and let the floor wake him, he he he.

Lesson Learned: Pick a husband based on who is the lighter sleeper (j/k)

What it's Worth: An extra 30 min, 45 min, whatever of sleep each night.

God Sent a Rainbow

2008-06-22T16:46:00.003-04:00

In the span of two days, I've seen a real rainbow, seen a picture of a double rainbow (on the screen at church), and heard somebody as I was walking by mention the word rainbow.

I think it's a sign.

When I saw the rainbow, I did think it was a message and a promise from God. It sent calming, peaceful feelings, and I had a sense of "Don't worry, this won't happen again." I hope I'm reading the signs correctly.

Today in church, they had a rainbow up on the projector just because. So I decided to look up the part of the Bible where God explains His meaning behind the rainbow.

Genesis 9:7-17

"...As for you, be fruitful and increase in number; multiply on the earth and increase upon it." Then God said to Noah and to his sons with him: "I now establish my covenant with you and with your descendants after you and with every living creature that was with you--the birds, the livestock and all the wild animals, all those that came out of the ark with you--every living creature on earth. I estabilsh my covenant with you: Never again will all life be cut off by the waters of a flood; never again will there be a flood to destroy the earth."

And God said, "This is the sign of the covenant I am making between me and you and every living creature with you, a covenant for all generations to come:

I have set my R A I N B O W in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth. Whenever I bring clouds over the earth and the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will remember my covenant between me and you and all living creatures of every kind. Never agian will the waters become a flood to destroy all life. Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth."

So God said to Noah, "This is the sign of the covenant I have established between me and all life on the earth."

I've had a flood recently, and been found wanting of a rainbow. I finally got it this weekend, literally.

Lesson Learned--God does send us messages to say "I'm here, I love you, I'm watching, and here's my promise."

What it's Worth--Security

Addendum

2008-06-06T17:12:00.002-04:00

For those wondering if I'm dying of cancer or something, be relieved, I am not. This something I speak of which is going on is not something that would threaten life or limb, just a something that was acutely painful and will be remembered the rest of my life as such. I'm doing ok, I'll be ok. Just taking some time.

Definition

2008-06-04T19:27:00.000-04:00

Well, I've been dealing with something that I really don't want to describe in detail online, but let's just say that it's been emotionally and physically difficult. Some people know about it, others have absolutely no clue, and for those who don't know about it, I'll probably keep it that way as I don't necessarily want to divulge the info in anything that might be construed as an attempt at pity or sympathy. At this point, I feel if I were to tell somebody about it, then it would feel to me as if that would be the purpose of telling somebody--just to have them feel sorry for me.

This time has been spent trying to take care of myself and still deal with school, and I feel that I'm stretched and challenged by walking the fine line of paying too much service to either one. I know that people might find it ridiculous that I feel guilty for paying too much attention to myself, but it's an ugly truth as to what school has done to me. Feeling this way has somewhat opened my eyes as to how much pathology is involved in school... I've been consumed with it all my life, and I often am enveloped in the idea that focusing everything on school is in effect focusing on myself, but really, this is an illusion. I've felt that school has left me a flat, one-dimensional person who is only capable of having life defined by school.

Perhaps I'm being too hard on myself-- after all, I have a husband, an active role in my church, two dogs, I play soccer and softball, and I occasionally get to do one of my favorite activities--riding horses. But I do feel that I often have a hard time defining myself outside of school, a hard time in finding meaning in my life outside of this educational process which will turn into a career which will define me as well.

If I had any readers (haha) I'd pose this question-- how do you find balance? On Oprah's re-run today she was talking to Justin Timberlake (one of my FAVES!) about celebrities having a hard time not letting "What you do" define "Who you are" I don't think that it's just celebrities that have a hard time with that---I think everybody does...how does one find definition outside of "what you do" to help answer the "who you are"?

This post is getting really long. Perhaps I'll return sometime soon, I'm still pondering.

Learning Point--sometimes life comes in and awakens us to what's going on, instead of us just floating along the merry way

What it's Worth--I'm sure the worth lies in not having to wake up one day at 50 years old and realize that you've wasted your youth and vibrancy without knowing who you are and what you're truly doing.

The Meat Truck Men

2008-05-14T14:17:00.000-04:00

I was just awoken from a nap by one of those Meat Truck Men...the ones who have a cooler in the back of the truck and then drive around the neighborhood acting as if they "Only have a few steaks left that I really need to get rid of-- I'll give them to you for a really good price. I'm practically giving these away to unload the truck."

Who ever thought this was a good idea? Who actually is willing to trust some random truck driving around to sell something better than Quality F meat? And you know, the men on these trucks are always well-put together, clean shaven, and wearing clean, crisp uniforms with a trustworthy appearance and a great sales-pitch....cough *sarcasm*

These aren't the Swanson men--and even then, I mean really, do we not live in a country where there's a SuperWalmart within 30 miles of EVERYWHERE? It's called a GROCERY STORE people!

Ok, I'm starting to sound a little worked up. Maybe this concept of driving around is just a leftover from a simpler time, where the iceman delivered the ice, the milkman delivered the milk, and the meat man delivers the meat (ha ha). I think I'd personally rather have a toilet paper and milk man coming by my house--- I'd probably be buying every time!

Motion Proves Life

2008-05-09T09:37:00.000-04:00

So it's been a while. Now I'm procrastinating doing some more reading this morning--what better way than to blog!

I've got to write about this patient that I had at the VA though--and how church the next Sunday made me think about him again.

So, there's this guy who came in for something totally unrelated, but when we were going through his medical history, part of which includes history of transfusions, his wife goes, "Oh yeah, I'm sure you had some transfusions in Germany, right?" And then she proceeds to say that....

He was in a car wreck and "The coroner found a pulse."

I immediately respond with, "The coroner? Was he in the morgue?!"

They respond, "Yes, he was pronounced DEAD at the scene, was taken to the MORGUE, and then the coroner found a pulse on him--then he went to the hospital."

The patient: "Yeah, I didn't know who I was for about 11 days."

Just like that, matter of fact, they didn't seem too impressed by the whole thing, but geeze, how many people can say that they've met somebody who took a trip to the morgue in a body bag and then survived to tell the tale? CRAZY!

So then, in church, our minister is talking about a passage out of James-- 2:14-26, and about how "Motion Proves Life"--that we have to have both our faith (the part without much motion) and works (the motion part of our Christian life) to prove that we are alive in our faith, alive in the promises that God has given us. Proof of life is the guarantee that death has not occurred, and motion is usually the proof of life needed.

My patient was motionless (almost) and then his heart was able to say, "Wait, I'm still moving! I'm still alive!"

I've felt alot of times that I'm like that patient as far as my faith and works go. I feel like there's barely anything there, and I'm in the morgue, but then somebody may come around and at least check for a pulse--and feel a faint one. I'm glad there's a faint one there, but I know that a faint pulse doesn't usually last too long on its own. I want to show that I'm alive, and I hope that I do. I spend alot of time on the morgue slab of school though.

Lesson Learned--Check for a pulse (maybe multiple times). Patients have weird stories to tell us, usually stories completely unrelated to what they're being treated for currently. Look for opportunities for those stories to connect to some real-life things

What it's worth--It's worth is in being reminded that I shouldn't just merely let a faint pulse just get me by.

In another's control

2008-04-22T23:16:00.000-04:00

Today's Continuity Clinic had a theme, sort of. We had two patients (both very nice) who talked at some length about the stresses placed in their lives by other people. Their reactions to their situations, however, were much different I think.

The first--she was at the visit for something unrelated, but started talking about her mother. She actually started to say "I wouldn't have normally brought this up" (getting ready to tell me the reasoning why she did bring it up--but she was interrupted and never finished the thought--to my disappointment). She talked about how her mother intrudes on every aspect of her life, from how she shops, who she has over in her home, and how she pays her utility bills. She is a 44 yo AAF with one child who is getting ready to graduate high school. She felt overwhelmed by her mother's insistence to be so involved that she actually had seen a counselor before about it, but never went back because the counselor was a white male, and she felt that he wasn't empathetic and couldn't connect to her as an African American and as a female. She went on to say that she was having to hide things around her home, such as liquor and martini glasses to keep her mother from commenting. She was worried that her mother was pumping her 17 year old daughter for information about the goings on in her home. She felt guilty that she was kinda expecting her daughter to lie to her mother about things. She described multiple instances where her mother had called to say "I just went ahead and paid your water/electric/gas whatever bill for you" or said, "I was shopping today and got you this" but would expect her (the patient) to pay her back for the things she didn't necessarily want, need, or like. Our patient told us that this stressed her out so much, because she wanted to tell her mother to back off, but wasn't sure that it would be effective. She talked about the strain it was causing on her relationship with her two sisters, how she couldn't tell them anything for worrying that they would tell her mother. This lady seemed to feel extremely guilty about how all of these familial relationships were arranged, and I honestly feel that her self esteem suffered for it.

Our next patient--when I walked in the room, I was struck by her extreme appearance. Not extreme as in piercings everywhere with tattoos and goth, but extreme in that it was clear that she was a runner and wanted everyone to know. In her early 50s, with salt and pepper hair, I think I could have almost identified every muscle in her upper extremities and torso, along with their attachments. She wasn't anorexic thin, but definitely someone who seemed very focused and set on maintaining herself to look a certain way. She was wearing pants with leg warmers on her calves...on a day that was pretty warm anyhow. She and the doctor had a bit of a disagreement on the plan how to manage some possible tendon strain she was experiencing. The doctor required her to be seen by sports medicine before PT to get cleared for treatment, however, she insisted that she thought she could just go straight to PT without the Sports Med visit. The discussion and discourse went on for about 10 min of the visits. Interspersed throughout this was that she was having tons of trouble with her contacts, wasn't able to drive really, and one more appointment would not be good. But then finally, she said, "Well, you see, I've never been the one controlling the household finances." From there, she talked about how for 26 years, she had to wait to finish the education she so desperately wanted, raised 5 children only allowed to use 25 hours per week of childcare, and tried to take multiple courses throughout that time. Her husband also eventually prevented her from taking her dream job at Cornell. She said her children were great kids, and that's what had kept her in the marriage. What was notable during the interaction with her though was her need to exert herself as a person to us. She talked about her running and being thin, and after we left the room for a short time and came back, she had pulled out this Alumni Feature magazine from her Alma Mater school which featured her.... in the Fall of 2004. I read the article and in it, it mentioned how for 25 years she had to wait to finish to fulfill herself. I was just in awe how this woman, through being repressed by wife and motherhood had to use any way possible to validate herself within the world. She wasn't dislikable, but I pitied/had sympathy for her.

Lesson Learned--My attending said that the above interaction "wasn't that great of a medical learning case, and you'll get plenty of that (psychosocial) in residency"--I tend to disagree--We never know who's controlling the lives of those around us and how it colors their interactions with the environment.

What it's Worth--The worth of the context of the patient and how they deal with problems/people, whether externalizing or internalizing their problems is probably invaluable, and something I won't forget.

a career?

2008-04-19T22:27:00.000-04:00

well, if i had any readers out there, and they acutally knew me, they'd know that i've been see-sawing back and forth over med-peds and family medicine. but this week, i've just been thinking about babies...and how i don't want to give up the possibility of delivering them for the rest of my life. and how i like knowing lots of stuff (which, med/peds people do too) and how i mostly hate the adult inpatient wards...and how much i like thinking about prevention, and how really, family medicine is more "family friendly" than med/peds programs. i really would like to have kiddos before i get to thirty or so, meaning that i'd have to start pretty soon anyhow to get two in during the next 5 years. i just hope that this feeling lasts.......................

A start.

2008-04-16T20:57:00.000-04:00

Well, I've toyed with the idea of blogging...and I guess I'll give it a go. I've never been very good at doing anything on a schedule very well.... other than studying maybe. There are things that I want to talk about, and maybe even have people hear/think about/ponder/argue with... whatever. So. Here goes my first blog. Right now I think I'm mostly just procrastinating having to type up a patient's H&P. I'm a little frustrated at myself (and one of my classmates) over it. I had it about 3/4 of the way done, left my computer without saving (dumb me) and then when I came back, my classmate had turned the computer off because he couldn't log into it, and had to turn it off in order to do so. SO, apparently, Word 2003's document recovery feature doesn't work too well if the computer just abruptly gets turned off? I don't know, it just disappeared. So, I just really really really don't want to have to start typing the stinking H&P again cause it takes forever! Boo!

Learning Point of the day--when the tiny voice in your ear says "you better save now" you might want to listen

What's it Worth?--Obviously, it's worth not having to try to recreate whatever it was from memory, but also, who knows, you could use the time you saved by not doing it a second time for something fun, or a nap.