Wednesday, June 4, 2008


Well, I've been dealing with something that I really don't want to describe in detail online, but let's just say that it's been emotionally and physically difficult. Some people know about it, others have absolutely no clue, and for those who don't know about it, I'll probably keep it that way as I don't necessarily want to divulge the info in anything that might be construed as an attempt at pity or sympathy. At this point, I feel if I were to tell somebody about it, then it would feel to me as if that would be the purpose of telling somebody--just to have them feel sorry for me.

This time has been spent trying to take care of myself and still deal with school, and I feel that I'm stretched and challenged by walking the fine line of paying too much service to either one. I know that people might find it ridiculous that I feel guilty for paying too much attention to myself, but it's an ugly truth as to what school has done to me. Feeling this way has somewhat opened my eyes as to how much pathology is involved in school... I've been consumed with it all my life, and I often am enveloped in the idea that focusing everything on school is in effect focusing on myself, but really, this is an illusion. I've felt that school has left me a flat, one-dimensional person who is only capable of having life defined by school.

Perhaps I'm being too hard on myself-- after all, I have a husband, an active role in my church, two dogs, I play soccer and softball, and I occasionally get to do one of my favorite activities--riding horses. But I do feel that I often have a hard time defining myself outside of school, a hard time in finding meaning in my life outside of this educational process which will turn into a career which will define me as well.

If I had any readers (haha) I'd pose this question-- how do you find balance? On Oprah's re-run today she was talking to Justin Timberlake (one of my FAVES!) about celebrities having a hard time not letting "What you do" define "Who you are" I don't think that it's just celebrities that have a hard time with that---I think everybody does one find definition outside of "what you do" to help answer the "who you are"?

This post is getting really long. Perhaps I'll return sometime soon, I'm still pondering.

Learning Point--sometimes life comes in and awakens us to what's going on, instead of us just floating along the merry way

What it's Worth--I'm sure the worth lies in not having to wake up one day at 50 years old and realize that you've wasted your youth and vibrancy without knowing who you are and what you're truly doing.

1 comment:

Katie! said...

Balance is a constant struggle for us and there is no right answer. I completely sympathize about feeling guilty for taking time for yourself, but I think that that is the only way to find peace with our different, conflicting worlds. It will be the same problem when we have kids - do we stay late to take care of our patients or do we leave so we can get to the game/play/dinner? Again, no right answer. Guilt either way. I say just make a choice and get on with living.

As your blog continues to state, there is a learning point in everything. Here, the point is that what matters is that we do our best and be content with that.

Hope you're well and that life clears up soon.